Capcom hasn’t changed the formula here and that’s exactly the point. The gameplay is everything you’d expect from an NES Mega Man title right down to the original NES style graphics and “Medusa Head” difficulty. Pick your Boss, beat your Boss, gain their power, rinse, and repeat. There are a few new additions to the equation such as portals and revolving platforms that give Mega Man 9 that modern day touch, but this is 100% Mega Man and for the first time in my Wii’s lifespan I may actually break a few Wiimotes, and that’s a good thing.

Glade Plug-In man keeps his dungeon smelling like fresh baked Apple Pie.

My only complaint with Mega Man 9 is the lackluster boss roster. We’ve seen these guys before in earlier installments with minor design changes and altered names. The whole bosses based on water, air, electricity, fire, etc. has run it’s course in my opinion. Sure, we get the first Female boss in the Mega Man universe but we’re talking about robots here and I doubt Splash Woman has the parts to keep Mega Man satisfied. Why not head down a new creative avenue with these mechanical madmen? I would love to see a menu of Bosses based on food. Is that too much to ask? I’d like to toss around Salad Man or whip on Licorice Man. You could even eat their heads to gain there powers!! Maybe in Mega Man 10? I’m talking to you Omelette Man, you greasy bastard!

Another original Mega Man boss, now with 100% more fire.

All said, this is one Wii Ware title worth your download dollars, though I don’t like the idea of having to purchase downloadable content as it becomes available. Micro transactions really piss me off and only serve to shakedown the consumer, but I digress. If you are a fan of the original Mega Man series than you’ve already purchased this fine peice of electronic entertainment. If you’ve never played a Mega Man title before you will suck at this game and I will laugh at you generously, but give it a shot so you can see what we seasoned Mega Maniacs are talking about when we say today’s games are easier than a single mother! 9/10

On the other hand, she was also on one of the shittiest shows to ever burn your eyeballs, That 70′s Show. Ewww. So if she pisses you off you could point at her in front of everyone in the bar and say “You suck. Your were on That 70′s show, the suckiest piece of suck that ever sucked! Get me a beer, Suck, or you’ll be on a new show called That Beat Up Girl Show! Man, you suck!” Everyone can feel good about that, right?

So here’s a raised beer to you Ms. Kunis. You’re hot as shit and have a checkered job history that plays well into both hands. I would drink warm beer out of your empty shampoo bottle just to smell the interior of your car. Cheers!

#5. Chuck E. Cheese: Not your typical pizza and beer joint, but there’s no better way to enjoy not having kids. While the pizza itself is akin to the carboard box it comes in, the satisfaction of watching other men who gave up on themselves, fishing their crying offspring out of a pit of plastic balls, is second to none. The upside is the beer is by the pitcher and there are plenty of cougars milling about looking for some action. If your lucky some little bastard might even kick Chuck E. in the Cheeseballs to top off your night.

#4. XBOX Live: If you’re into marathon bouts of pwning noobs you’ll need your energy. The pizza will be delivered straight to your door, keeping your fat ass glued to the couch, and the beer will loosen your lips so you can call 8 year olds “fags” without the guilt. Also great after pleasuring yourself to that digital pron you love so much.

#3. The Hangover: Rookie’s will swear by Gatorade and scrambled eggs but the veterans have discovered the ancient Chinese secret that got that Great Wall built in the a.m. Pizza and beer. We’ve all heard of “wake and bake” but I prefer “wake and take out”. If a tall frosty with some sausage and mushroom doesn’t get you to church in the morning than I’ll eat my front teeth.

#2. Before, during, and after sexy time: Let’s face it she’s probably not that hot if you’re a pizza and beer purveyor so let’s make sure it’s not for nothing. Pre-game it gets you prepared for the deed. Favor the beer beforehand to keep the pizza down. During the ride, you’ll want to alternate evenly. Balance your bites and swigs to maintain the illusion. When it’s time to get off the bus lean towards the pie. It evens you out and disgusts her just enough to make her leave. Follow with a generous helping of suds. Well played.

#1. During the game: Sporting events are only a bunch of men playing with balls until you crack a can and encroach the crust. If you’re watching sports and there’s not a slice in the house you might be gay or a homo. The choice is yours. If you ever have the guys over for the Super Bowl and there’s no pizza and beer prepare to be blackballed for life. I recommend twelve extra large and 8 cases per head if you know what you’re doing. Eat, drink, and be merry. Well, “merry” is kind of gay. Just eat and drink. Play ball! 

What ever happened to Big Wheels? I used to jet up and down the sidewalk on those plastic fuckers and all I’d end up with was the possibilty of a scraped knee and an eight year old boner! If more people would just pedal around on Big Wheels then my weekend would still be on track! But no, you ATV assholes have to buzz around the mud, tempting people like poor LeRoi to join your crazy cult of jerk turds. All I wanted was a cold beer, a carne asada burrito, and some Tripping Billies!

Cocks to that! Now what am I going to do this weekend? Dear Jesus, please let the show go on. The Tickets are paid for and I grew my beard extra thick to accomodate the acoustics. I swear I won’t make fun of all the frat boys in flip flops if you just do me this solid! Wait..I don’t believe in Jesus. Shit. So what are you doing this weekend?

We will miss you LeRoi. We still miss you Big Wheel.

Chances are she’s probably a douche in person but from a legal court ordered distance she’s a real work of art. If ever there was a poster child for Dive Bar Babies, Kat Von D is a front runner with an ace in her hole. My friends call me Ace. We raise our reasonably priced beers to you Ms. Kat Von D. Thanks for making women interesting again if only for a moment. When she’s in the bar it’s always happy hour…if she’s there from 5pm to 8pm, otherwise it’s regular hour. Regular hour rules.

Unless you been living on Mars you’ve know that  a couple of weeks ago NASA announced that they have discovered evidence of the presence of water flowing on the red planet’s surface as of recently! This was indeed exciting news for both proponents of Mars and fans of water alike.

Today, in an even more astounding story, NASA has dropped another bomb on the American people. Literally. A Mars rover, doing regular recon, discovered a fresh turd on Mars’ dry surface! Not a fossilized butt bomb but a fresh creamy gut pie nestled amongst scatterd surface gravel! Using the rover’s small mechanical arms, scientists gently pushed, pulled, and massaged through the extraintestinal ass candy and discoverd many strange contents amongst the muck. Apparently Martians love corn! Several kernels lay dormant within the confines of this captains log! What does this mean? I think it’s obvious.

Native Americans love corn. They introduced it to the white man and in turn the white man discovered corn’s resiliance in the heat of butt battle. The white man, perhaps because of unrelated circumstances, came to lovingly refer to the Native American as red man. Mars is known as the Red Planet! Red planets are most likely inhabited by red men! This analytical info combined with todays corny discovery only equate to one thing, there’s a Native American with the runs planting fudgenugs on Mars so if there is indeed water there please don’t drink it!

Konami apparently hasn’t forgotten either as they have so generously just released an all new update for the franchise with New International Track & Field for the Nintendo DS. Konami has crammed all the joy of the Olympic games into one tiny cart, minus the fake fireworks, ugly children, and racially insensitive Spanish basketball teams. The result is a mix of what made the original so great with the new that makes this incarnation so “meh”.

You have a bevy of ethnic stereotype midgets to tackle the dozens of events with, along with some unlockable characters from the Konami game universe that will keep fanboys going for the gold. Konami has swapped the button mashing madness for screen scratching mayhem. If you love the pristine shine of your DS’ lower screen than you are strongly advised to “hurdle” over this installment of T&F. Perhaps My Super Yoga Buddy would be a better option.

The issue with NIT&F is that most of the games play out exactly the same with very little variety. Frantically scrape your stylus across the length of the screen as fast as possible followed by a quick tap to execute. That’s about the gist. It doesn’t help that many of the events are next to impossible to qualify on, but once you get into a rhythm and perfect your timing you may nab that coveted Bronze medal! You can opt to swap out stylus slashing for the classic button mashing but on a small handheld game system it doesn’t really help your chances.

If your a patient gamer with a penchant for unlocking costumes than you may be inspired to pull a Phelps with this game. If you are easily frustrated, however you may just want to stick with Heath Ledger cause this game won’t put a smile on that face. 6/10

"Five more minutes!"

A Man in North Georgia was startled when he went into his economy size freezer to grab a couple of Tina’s Burritos and discovered a Sasquatch napping in the frosty box. It was the highest recorded heatwave in North Georgia history that afternoon and the shade in the heavy forested area did little more than make the heat less bright. “It was hot as balls that day. If I was covered in fur and dingleberries I’d probably catch a few winks in the icebox myself!”, said the man.

The man added that he believes the elusive beast has been staking out the freezer, which is located in his backyard, for some time. “I’ve noticed an unusual amount of Tina’s Burritos mysteriously missing from the freezer on a nightly basis.” This phenomenon as well as the sudden appearance of “man sized” bowel movements on his backyard lawn led the man to this conclusion. “The leavings weren’t the product of twigs and berries. They had Tina written all over them”. The thick forest of Northern Georgia borders the man’s backyard where the freezer is clearly visible. “I think the Bigfoot could smell the spicy beans from the woods and couldn’t resist the call of Tina’s microwaveable magic.” It is believed that the creature was making burrito runs on a nightly basis and that he discovered the cooling properties of the freezer in the process. “With the heat as bad as it was I’m sure that hairy bastard could only think of two things. Tina’s Burritos and the chilly confines of the bed they made rest.”

The man allowed the Bigfoot to finish his siesta in peace. “I knew he wouldn’t sleep in there forever. He would have to take a piss at some point.” The man waited patiently and 3 hours later the Ape-like manimal climbed out of the icebox, snagged a couple of  Green Chile burritos, and headed back towards the woods. “That’s when I shot the sonuva bitch.”, said the man. “There are two things in life you don’t do to another man and one of those is shit in his backyard.” When asked what the man did with the body of the beast he replied, “I did the only other thing you don’t do to another man, fucked it.” I quickly ended the interview and got the hell out of there.

Mutiny on the Bounty

Gather ’round and lend me your ears for I am about to reveal a well kept secret once known only by the Cap’n himself. What is the secret you ask? I have discovered the formula for turning brown to green! No it’s not by combining yellow and blue, the formula is YOU + a box of Cap’n Crunch presents OOPS! All Berries brand breakfast cereal. Simply combine and serve. Soft serve that is. You see at some point the Cap’n decided to concoct a cereal comprised solely of Crunch Berries. Yes, he tossed the bright yellow gum ripping cereal bricks overboard only to batten down your hatches with spoonfuls of brightly colored sugar orbs. All hands to the poop deck! When your turds are finally forced to walk the plank after a berry beating, they will look quite akin to Sir Isaac Lime Otter-Pops! Conspiracy? I think so. Isn’t it convenient that two kings of the sugary sea have found a way to join forces and rattle the foundations of regularness? I see a mutiny on the Bounty!

Fire in the hole!

To the fine consumers of Frito-Lay’s line-up of crunchy, salty, go anywhere grab bags of snackery, I issue this warning so that you may save your forbidden love tunnels from the fiery wrath of a post consumed sack of Flaming Hot Cheetos. Like most snackers with a taste for adventure and a hunger for unpredictability, I succumbed to the big red beckoning bag that lay dormant between the Munchos and the roof of the mouth ripping Funyuns. Though I found myself drenched in perspiration as my taste buds exploded with fiery deliciousness, I couldn’t stop the inevitable consumption of every last finger paintin’ corn log in the bag! As I licked the caked on red from my now lonely finger tips I was halted when I felt a rumble in the Bronx. My guts tremored and juiced as they unwillingly welcomed their mushy red guests into the confines of their tubiness. What was to follow could be considered the 9/11 of bowel movements. The splattery mud gushed out with a fiery sting that stabbed at my sphicter like a red hot poker! It impacted the water on it’s burning decent, causing a cool splash back that put out the fire if for only a moment followed by the next violent bout of Chester’s revenge. Once the smoke cleared and it was time to clean ground zero, the butt-wipe applied to the affected area burned the inside track, as if my schute was a well read book at a Nazi BBQ. The moral of this story is that F.H.C.’s don’t taste as good on the way out as they do on the way in.