Archive for the Bar Category

Mega Man 9

Posted in Bar, The Barcade on September 25, 2008 by Dustin "the Bartender" Pena

Remember when Mega Man was rad? You know, when he was an ass kicking robot instead of a computer program dressed like a Euro cyclist? Well the ass kicker is back in his pixelated blue 8-bit duds and he’s not messing around. Mega Man 9 is the title that looks the old school NES gamer in the face and says, “Hey man. Can I lick your balls?” And the answer is “Yes.” You can lick my balls, Mega Man. And you can lick ’em good.

Capcom hasn’t changed the formula here and that’s exactly the point. The gameplay is everything you’d expect from an NES Mega Man title right down to the original NES style graphics and “Medusa Head” difficulty. Pick your Boss, beat your Boss, gain their power, rinse, and repeat. There are a few new additions to the equation such as portals and revolving platforms that give Mega Man 9 that modern day touch, but this is 100% Mega Man and for the first time in my Wii’s lifespan I may actually break a few Wiimotes, and that’s a good thing.

Glade Plug-In man keeps his dungeon smelling like fresh baked Apple Pie.

Glade Plug-In man keeps his dungeon smelling like fresh baked Apple Pie.

My only complaint with Mega Man 9 is the lackluster boss roster. We’ve seen these guys before in earlier installments with minor design changes and altered names. The whole bosses based on water, air, electricity, fire, etc. has run it’s course in my opinion. Sure, we get the first Female boss in the Mega Man universe but we’re talking about robots here and I doubt Splash Woman has the parts to keep Mega Man satisfied. Why not head down a new creative avenue with these mechanical madmen? I would love to see a menu of Bosses based on food. Is that too much to ask? I’d like to toss around Salad Man or whip on Licorice Man. You could even eat their heads to gain there powers!! Maybe in Mega Man 10? I’m talking to you Omelette Man, you greasy bastard!

Another original Mega Man boss, now with 100% more fire.

Another original Mega Man boss, now with 100% more fire.

All said, this is one Wii Ware title worth your download dollars, though I don’t like the idea of having to purchase downloadable content as it becomes available. Micro transactions really piss me off and only serve to shakedown the consumer, but I digress. If you are a fan of the original Mega Man series than you’ve already purchased this fine peice of electronic entertainment. If you’ve never played a Mega Man title before you will suck at this game and I will laugh at you generously, but give it a shot so you can see what we seasoned Mega Maniacs are talking about when we say today’s games are easier than a single mother! 9/10

Mila Kunis – Dive Bar Baby Sept. ’08

Posted in Bar, Dive Bar Babies on September 24, 2008 by Dustin "the Bartender" Pena

Mila Kunis is exactly the type of chick you’d like to buy a Pabst in your local watering hole. She’s the total package for any inconsistent drunk who’s not sure what he’s feeling today. On one hand she provides the voice talent for Meg Griffin on the FOX TV show Family Guy. So if you’re in a good mood you could brag that your girl Mila is on one of the funniest shows on the tube today and point out how your buddies’ girl is only on your nerves.

On the other hand, she was also on one of the shittiest shows to ever burn your eyeballs, That 70’s Show. Ewww. So if she pisses you off you could point at her in front of everyone in the bar and say “You suck. Your were on That 70’s show, the suckiest piece of suck that ever sucked! Get me a beer, Suck, or you’ll be on a new show called That Beat Up Girl Show! Man, you suck!” Everyone can feel good about that, right?

 

So here’s a raised beer to you Ms. Kunis. You’re hot as shit and have a checkered job history that plays well into both hands. I would drink warm beer out of your empty shampoo bottle just to smell the interior of your car. Cheers!

Pizza and Beer. Delicious Fun.

Posted in Bar, From the Kitchen on August 21, 2008 by Dustin "the Bartender" Pena

There are few pairings in life that make perfect sense. Foot and Ball, Stripper and Pole, Pizza and Beer. As a fat man in America I prefer the latter. A hot slice of Pepperoni and Cheese married to a Cold Brew has an uncanny way of enhancing any situation. What are the top 5 ways to enjoy a pie and a pint? Perhaps I can throw my hat into the ring.

#5. Chuck E. Cheese: Not your typical pizza and beer joint, but there’s no better way to enjoy not having kids. While the pizza itself is akin to the carboard box it comes in, the satisfaction of watching other men who gave up on themselves, fishing their crying offspring out of a pit of plastic balls, is second to none. The upside is the beer is by the pitcher and there are plenty of cougars milling about looking for some action. If your lucky some little bastard might even kick Chuck E. in the Cheeseballs to top off your night.

#4. XBOX Live: If you’re into marathon bouts of pwning noobs you’ll need your energy. The pizza will be delivered straight to your door, keeping your fat ass glued to the couch, and the beer will loosen your lips so you can call 8 year olds “fags” without the guilt. Also great after pleasuring yourself to that digital pron you love so much.

#3. The Hangover: Rookie’s will swear by Gatorade and scrambled eggs but the veterans have discovered the ancient Chinese secret that got that Great Wall built in the a.m. Pizza and beer. We’ve all heard of “wake and bake” but I prefer “wake and take out”. If a tall frosty with some sausage and mushroom doesn’t get you to church in the morning than I’ll eat my front teeth.

#2. Before, during, and after sexy time: Let’s face it she’s probably not that hot if you’re a pizza and beer purveyor so let’s make sure it’s not for nothing. Pre-game it gets you prepared for the deed. Favor the beer beforehand to keep the pizza down. During the ride, you’ll want to alternate evenly. Balance your bites and swigs to maintain the illusion. When it’s time to get off the bus lean towards the pie. It evens you out and disgusts her just enough to make her leave. Follow with a generous helping of suds. Well played.

#1. During the game: Sporting events are only a bunch of men playing with balls until you crack a can and encroach the crust. If you’re watching sports and there’s not a slice in the house you might be gay or a homo. The choice is yours. If you ever have the guys over for the Super Bowl and there’s no pizza and beer prepare to be blackballed for life. I recommend twelve extra large and 8 cases per head if you know what you’re doing. Eat, drink, and be merry. Well, “merry” is kind of gay. Just eat and drink. Play ball! 

 

Dead people always ruin my weekend.

Posted in Bar on August 20, 2008 by Dustin "the Bartender" Pena

While I’m certainly not trying to make light of the death of Dave Matthews Band saxaphonist, LeRoi Moore, I can haelp but think “FUCK!” I have tickets to go to the show in San Diego this friday and I know it’s going to be cancelled. This brings me to my next plea, people stay off those ATVs!! What the hell are people speeding all over on these things for?

What ever happened to Big Wheels? I used to jet up and down the sidewalk on those plastic fuckers and all I’d end up with was the possibilty of a scraped knee and an eight year old boner! If more people would just pedal around on Big Wheels then my weekend would still be on track! But no, you ATV assholes have to buzz around the mud, tempting people like poor LeRoi to join your crazy cult of jerk turds. All I wanted was a cold beer, a carne asada burrito, and some Tripping Billies!

Cocks to that! Now what am I going to do this weekend? Dear Jesus, please let the show go on. The Tickets are paid for and I grew my beard extra thick to accomodate the acoustics. I swear I won’t make fun of all the frat boys in flip flops if you just do me this solid! Wait..I don’t believe in Jesus. Shit. So what are you doing this weekend?

We will miss you LeRoi. We still miss you Big Wheel.

Bigfoot found napping in freezer.

Posted in Bar on August 18, 2008 by Dustin "the Bartender" Pena

"Five more minutes!"

A Man in North Georgia was startled when he went into his economy size freezer to grab a couple of Tina’s Burritos and discovered a Sasquatch napping in the frosty box. It was the highest recorded heatwave in North Georgia history that afternoon and the shade in the heavy forested area did little more than make the heat less bright. “It was hot as balls that day. If I was covered in fur and dingleberries I’d probably catch a few winks in the icebox myself!”, said the man.

The man added that he believes the elusive beast has been staking out the freezer, which is located in his backyard, for some time. “I’ve noticed an unusual amount of Tina’s Burritos mysteriously missing from the freezer on a nightly basis.” This phenomenon as well as the sudden appearance of “man sized” bowel movements on his backyard lawn led the man to this conclusion. “The leavings weren’t the product of twigs and berries. They had Tina written all over them”. The thick forest of Northern Georgia borders the man’s backyard where the freezer is clearly visible. “I think the Bigfoot could smell the spicy beans from the woods and couldn’t resist the call of Tina’s microwaveable magic.” It is believed that the creature was making burrito runs on a nightly basis and that he discovered the cooling properties of the freezer in the process. “With the heat as bad as it was I’m sure that hairy bastard could only think of two things. Tina’s Burritos and the chilly confines of the bed they made rest.”

The man allowed the Bigfoot to finish his siesta in peace. “I knew he wouldn’t sleep in there forever. He would have to take a piss at some point.” The man waited patiently and 3 hours later the Ape-like manimal climbed out of the icebox, snagged a couple of  Green Chile burritos, and headed back towards the woods. “That’s when I shot the sonuva bitch.”, said the man. “There are two things in life you don’t do to another man and one of those is shit in his backyard.” When asked what the man did with the body of the beast he replied, “I did the only other thing you don’t do to another man, fucked it.” I quickly ended the interview and got the hell out of there.